Category: the Rant Board
Hi, all. OK, so as this is the board for ranting, here goes. I really wish people would think before uttering phrases like, "Oh, there's no way I could handle that," or, "I'm just not that strong," or whatever other versions of this are out there when speaking of life's hardships. People who use phrases like this don't seem to think it through. Either you deal with what life hands you, or you kill yourself. Mind, I'm not advocating suicide here, though of course I don't hold it against someone if they do choose to take that option. But most people who talk like this aren't willing to actually go that far. I've heard this phrase a lot over the last few days. I've heard it said by sighted people when they think about blindness, by a friend who heard of another friend losing a child, by a friend when having a discussion regarding deaf-blindness, and those are just a few. I had never thought about what they're really saying until years ago in college, when I was friends with a girl who was paralyzed from the neck down and in a wheelchair. She'd had people say things like this to her one too many times, so she finally asked someone, "OK, so would you kill yourself?" And they went, um, no of course not. Her response was, ok, if not that, then you'd handle it.
It's not always about killing yourself. Last summer when Mark was dealing with health problems and we were going through some rough stuff, a nurse said to me, "I'm engaged, and I just couldn't deal with this if my fiancé and I were in your position." Like my friend in college, I'd had one too many stupid remarks for that day, and so responded with, "So what would you do, leave him?" She got all upset and was like, "well no, of course not." OK then, you'd handle it, because dealing with it or leaving would pretty much be your only options.
People seem to think they're giving you a compliment for how strong you are, or how well you're dealing with something when they say this stuff, , but it's a damn backhanded compliment if you ask me. Now, I will admit I may not deal with certain things very well, but in the end I'd have to figure it out one way or another.
Alicia, this is why I'm against the "you're so amazing for knowing how to put your shoes on" shit. People are all amazed as how disabled people live their lives, but there's nothing to be amazed at. This also reminds me of something I posted on FB a few weeks ago in which an aunt of mine commented..."I'm so proud of you." and I was like, why proud of me? "Because you grew up to be so beautiful and smart!"
So I talk about it a lot, but I had Retinoblastoma as a child. It completely through my family off gard, and my mother was around my age at the time. People gave her all of these conflicting opinions, making her believe that my life was over because I didn't have vision. I pretty much proved them all wrong. Traveled almost over the United States and once abroad, graduated high school, and now I'm in college, but apart from all of that, her comment upset me in a way because my family seems to think that I'm A. the only blind person in college, and B. that I wasn't supposed to be anything when they got that horrible diagnoses. I have done almost everything to show that blind people can live a life like everyone else, so...
It all comes back to your question. What am I supposed to do? Sit at home and let my mom take care of me forever or something? Why do we have to be so amazing for just living our lives? You either deal with it, or...
Anyways, I can't rap my mind around this type of thinking either, but I guess people don't understand until they are forced to just get up and do it despite a disability.
Yes, I think it's misguided, and the intent is good, but it's so thoughtless and potentially harmful. Because say as a child, you grow up with people telling you you are so brave, for just living. It's so easy to internalise that and not believe that your life actually does have worth. That those lowered expectations are right.
It really frustrates me because I think it actually diminishes the true meaning of bravery, and those things.
I agree with you, Alicia. I used to say that. "I don't know what I'd do if..." "I couldn't deal the hand you got."
When the stuff hit the fan, I did get through it. I did handle it. I didn't have much choice. I thought things that I couldn't imagine, would "never happen to me." Oh yeah? Well, I ain't no better than anyone, and I got a painfully cold glass of "shut up!" to drink. I don't care who it is, if the stink hits, and you want to be a success, you have to handle it.
Sometimes life can bite hard. And, that's how it goes. You know how I get through most of it? I see the good things in it. Yes, I look forward to medical treatments, so I don't hurt. Yes, I'm glad to have hearing aides. There's nothing wrong with being glad that a chore you have to suffer through, or something that you just ain't adjusting to well is there. It's cool. You will get through it, and life will be as close to normal, as it can be. Isn't that why we deal, instead of just saying: "Forget this!" and taking the easy way out? And the easy road isn't always dying. It's giving up the fight.
Oh, I sound really weird, I suppose. But, that's how I get through stuff. I see the posative in why I've agreed to endure the bad stuff. What's that saying? "No pain, no gain." Right?
Yeah. Speech over. Take what you will from this.
Blessings,
Sarah
lol Holly, for a while now, I use to think that way. When I would try to raise funds for track, I use to sell them the story...and I feel so awful now. People should give me money just because I'm this neat blind girl who can run with a guide runner and out travel them? lol
Lakeria, I joked with Mark once that you seriously remind me of a younger version of myself, and you did it again. Like yours, my family was just shocked that I could actually live my life after the RB diagnosis. Out of the three girls they had, I'm the only one who went to college. NO big deal in my mind. So I did, and my sisters didn't. But my Dad said to me one time, "Of all the girls, you were the last one we expected to go to college, let alone graduate." He didn't understand when I got rather pissed at him. He thought he was complimenting me, when really it was a put-down, because it meant he had no expectations of me.
But it's not always about disability. It can be about a temporary physical health problem. Last summer when I was Mark's caregiver, I had a ton of people tell me they couldn't do it if it were them and their partner. A lot of them married people. I actually said to several of them, what about that in sickness and in health vow you gave your spouse? I guess now you're telling me you didn't really mean it, if you wouldn't do it?" When I'd point this out, they'd just sit there and stammer all over themselves, which provided me some malicious amusement in the midst of some pretty dark stuff.
Interesting post. I am sitting here thinking if I've ever used these frazes for any reason.
I hope not.
Yes, we deal, or we don't, and that is the option we have.
It is sad to say, but in the case of spouses, people don't deal, they leave them.
Somebody said such a thing the other day, he couldn't imagine himself doing what I do. I told him if he learned the skills I did he could and that my life is no worse than anyone else's because everybody's got problems.
Now today, I got a compliment, that made sense. This person said they have been working with actors for years, and had not found someone so outgoing as me. I knew he was sincere. You just can tell. I'd rather hear something positive, than: "I don't know how you do it..." "I don't know what I'd do in your situation."
Anyway, I thought hearing something positive like I did, was much easier on my ears.
Blessings,
Sarah
When I get, "man, you're a lot braver than me" when I'm out walking somewhere by myself, I just pretend not to hear the person.
Yeah, me too. Ignore it.
Alicia, first things first: I'm sorry for what you both have been through in the past year. I say this knowing you've both expressed a lot of courage under the circumstances. Not everybody does, and I, for one, have handled circumstances with and without courage in my life. You both have my respect.
Now as to your points? I agree with you wholeheartedly. Backhanded compliments are in fact the worst. I've faced this as a father, regardless of the fact millions of dedicated fathers exist in the U.S. alone, and there are a lot of systems that prove this. Those backhanded compliments are a way for them to uphold their beliefs and call you the exception, the infantile way of refusing to be challenged in their thinking.
I don't know what the answer is for handling this, but you have my respect and empahy.
okay... my thoughts? well, I hate backhanded complements. Like sarah, I like
hearing the positive and not the negative. I heard this today while crossing a
busy street. "wow, you're amazing! If I were you, I would be afraid to do
that!" I'm like, well, I'm still learning and I'm proving to the world and to
myself that I could be more then just a kid with blindness. you deal with what
life throws at you. (I'm turning into my friend here) but I just don't like those
negative complements. I agree with you, alicia and lakeria.
I love the fuck out of this post. I get the, "I don't know how you do it" thing all the time, particularly because I'm the first in my family to attend college upon high school graduation.
In all seriousness, though, thank you for this. I needed to read it today.
On another topic Cody pointed out the Stella Young vid concerning inspiration porn. I watched it just now, and I have to say that it is a must must,, mmust see, not just for everyday people but for professionals as well. I know I’ve harped on this in other topics, so I don’t know whether I’m risking boring people on this one by again revisiting my law school graduation experience, but I’ll try not to go into it in as much detail here as in other postings. Suffice it to say that I think that Ms. Young got it right. When ordinary, everyday disabled people do the exact same things as our peers have done and nothing more, we should not be treated as superhuman for effectively tying our own shoes. All other factors being equal, for instance, I was a middling law student. My grades were not exceptional, and in the end I only worked enough to get by. Why? Because two years before I ever got that degree, I knew that in my heart of hearts, I was no attorney. Sure I got the degree, and yes, I eventually passed the bar, but that didn’t make me an attorney. Yes I spent thirteen years doing legal work, but if one key ingredient is missing – namely that part of you that thinks of yourself as an attorney – then I’ve got a secret for you all: You’re not an attorney no matter what the diploma and the legal license says about you. And when that whole group of people stood up and gave me that standing ovation, it made me anything but proud. I felt objectified. In fact, I felt trapped. Because what can you do? You can’t throw a tantrum. You can’t publicly call people out for being stupid. You can’t refuse the diploma. You can only stand there and, if you’re the kind of person I am, look pissed, which is what I guess I looked like in the video my parents made of that day. And why is it that only some of your friends and family get it? My parents only saw how proud they were of my supposed achievement, and a friend of mine recently told me I should just accept it with grace because I have to see things from the perspective of those who are not blind or disabled. The big question I’m always asking, though, is when are they gunna see things from our perspective? It’s insulting and demeaning to be treated as objects of undue admiration. It’s not touching, as my sister seems to think. It’s not something I’m willing to treat with grace. I’m not engaging in so-called false mmodesty when I say that what I did was nothing out of the ordinary. Because here’s the thing: The vast majority of law students are not in the top ten percent of their class. There can be only one valedictorian and only one saluditorian. Most law students are probably right where I was – somewhere in the middle. Most law students probably just wanted to get the hell out of there because for most of us, it was hell. Yet the thing that differentiated me was my blindness. All other factors being equal, I was no fucking different aside from that one supposedly major factor. Yet the truly maddening thing is that I can’t get people to see and understand that! It’s like beating my head against a fucking stone wall!
the thing that is being mssed here is this. the person who says they couldn't deal with whatever it is that is the problem is being extremely selfish. if I hear that remark and I'm going through something I am less likely to ask for support or empathy. I mean my goodness this person is saying how overwhelmedbyy the situation. In their confused mind they have expressed their so called compliment. they gave absolutely nothing of themselves except a platitude and I'm supposed to be greatful? I'd like to tell them to shut up listen and deal. I'd expect much much more from a friend. am I making sense?
Yeah, you're making sense. Thing is, usually it's not friends who have said this kind of thing to me. Whether it involves blindness, or some hardship totally unrelated to disability, like what we went through last summer, these comments are usually made by total strangers. If not strangers, then usually some of my more ignorant family members, most notably my father. in the case of the one friend who did make such a comment to me last summer, you're right Turricane, I never went to her for support after that.
What's clearly being missed here is the fact that it isn't that people don't think things through when they make comments like Alicia has stated. It's that people are thinking of things as they relate to how they would be, act, ETC, if they, the particular person in question, were disabled.
That doesn't make it right, but I think there are misconceptions and incorrect assumptions on both sides here.
As I've stated in other topics, sighted people don't put half the energy into thinking about most of you, as you think they do. Guaranteed.
I get that most sighted people don’t think about us at all, and that’s part of the point. Because when a lot of them do see us, they think first about what an unbearable tragedy our lives must be, and how we’ve had to overcome so much. They don’t see the basic human similarities between us and them. To them, we are the other. All other factors being equal, we’re the same,, but many of them don’t see that. And enough of them don’t see it to make this topic relevant, else we wouldn’t be talking about it.
Absolutely, and I just can't rap my mind around it, which is what I said before. It reminds me so much of racism...you hate someone because of their skin color, and disability, you overlook them because of no eyes... That is all!
And, I know that I keep bringing up disability on this board, but I haven't had to deal with sickness related stuff, but I see what you're coming from Alicia btw.
The funny thing is, I never think about "How hard my lil old life must be." I'm so used to not seeing, it just don't really matter, till I need to read something. It's normal, to me. That's what don't make sense.
I'm so used to it. To tell the truth, I'd probably be as anxious as one of those sighted people are about thinking of losing sight, if I ever got mine back! My mind wouldn't know how to handle seeing! Truthfully, I'd waste my sight, if I had it. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Does that make sense?
Blessings,
Sarah
Either you deal with what life hands you, or you kill yourself.
Sounds to me like you're asking for suicide.
Apple Peaches, the above comment you quoted is not indicative of suicide at all. It's honest; maybe think about it as it's intended, which is to say that we all have two choices in life. Either we deal with the cards we're dealt, or we die.
I still say it's a matter of perspective, because it doesn't matter to me how people see me. I can only control how I present myself, not how others respond to me, don't respond to me, or how they think about me. We face enough challenges ourselves without making a big deal out of other people's perceptions.
Ah yes, Stella Young. And she was far too young when she left us. I watc that video a lot.
Apple, Chelsea is correct. If you read that comment as intended, you'd know that I'm not advocating suicide by any means. I would attempt to clarify, but I'd only be repeating what she just said.
Chelsea, you're absolutely right, the only thing I can control is myself and how I handle things. I don't live every day focused on this particular issue. It just so happened that I'd heard one too many comments of this nature in a short timespan, it brought this rant to mind, so I posted it. If I lived each day focused on this or the other stupid crap we hear in our interactions with the world, I'd never get anything else done. This was just me venting frustration in the moment.
I have to agree with Chelsie here... some of you could do with being less ego centric... The sighted world is far too busy to lead their lives to focus in on you. Moreover, Some people spend time criticizing their sighted counter parts when they'd advance way further in their lives by focusing on changing themselves and their attitude.
I do not want the sighted world to revolve around me. All I want is to be equal in that world, and right now I'm not. I want to be busy leading my life just like all those sighted people. But attitudes such as those that have been described on this thread are the reason that I can't. Those attitudes lead, as others have said, to lowered expectations for us, and those lowered expectations lead to continued discrimination and marginalization. That's the cold, hard truth, and no amount of my walking around with a bright, positive, "Everything is sunshine and bunny rabbits" attitude is going to change that. I refuse to lie about how bad things still are for us. I will continue to educate and advocate until things change. Anyone who insists on living in denial is part of the problem.
Becky
So, the sighted are too busy to focus on us, and we’re too egocentric when we focus on them. Okay. I’ll buy that for a few moments. This is me leading my life as best I know how, standing at a bus stop waiting to go home, listening to my music because maybe I’ve had a stressful day. Let’s say there are hundreds of sighted people all around me. They’re everywhere. I can’t get away from them. They drive past me in their cars. A few of them walk past me, no remark. Then I get someone who wants to comment to me about how I should have a dog, and why don’t I, and by the way, have I been blind all my life? Again, this is me minding my own business. I’ve done amazing things like actually crossing streets on my own with a cane, walking to the bus stop, having the unmitigated gall to just live. Is the person who berates me for not having a dog minding their business,, or mine? Why should I have to deal with them if I don’t want to? Why do some of these people get to say stupid things to me and ask me totally inappropriate and intrusive questions they would never ask of anyone else, and why must I accept that? Why can’t they remain too busy to think about me and what I’m doing and focus on themselves without bothering me? Believe it or not, I’m cool with that. I really, really am cool with someone just passing by and giving me a friendly greeting and moving on. I totally get the concept that I’m noticed as a blind person, and after said other person takes note of that fact, will either treat me like the fully realized human being I am or just go about their own business. What we’re saying, though, is that sometimes this doesn’t happen. Sometimes people are extremely rude to us when they would never be to someone else. Why is that? What’s acceptable about it? Why are we supposed to just accept the fact that they mean well and treat it with grace because the very notion that they mean well trumps the fact they’ve been rude? I really wanna know how that makes sense.
Johndy,
I wasn't referring to people like yourself who are reasonable, calling things as you see them, and trying to strike a balance between not complaining as a blind person ... seeing sighted people as the ones to blame for our misery, and speaking your mind when said counter parts overstep their boundries...
Why should we except that people treat us differently, you ask? Because we're disabled, plane and simple. Like it or not, we're different. Do disabilities have to mean we're helpless? No, but do they mean that to people sometimes? Absolutely. However, people here ought to think about their own attitudes, before criticizing sighted people. Yes, including you, John Boy. Because I can assure you all, that will go much further in the world, hell you'll go much further in the world, if you'd consider redirecting some of the perceptions and attitudes that you all display. (Alicia, I understand you were ranting now that you told me, but otherwise, there's no way I would've known that).
Anyway, another reason people should calm down is because no one here, including me, has said that everything is all roses and therefore no one can ever complain.
What I and a few others are saying though is that being understanding and accepting of the fact that A, you're disabled, B, sighted people treat you differently because of it sometimes, and C, you actually have to you know, deal with that truth, would move you guys up a little bit in the world. Like, if you had half a mind to change your attitude, I guarantee you'd find that people are much friendly to you...when you aren't against the world.
I don't read this as anybody being "against the world," Pollyanna. Just venting, as ShadowCat explained, and this of all places should be the place where such venting is understood.
First, I’m not saying that sighted people are the cause of our misery. What I am saying is that there are behaviors from some people that I do not have to accept, and will not accept, just because in some of their minds I’m supposed to be their idea of a good little blind boy. It does not mean that they get to say or do inappropriate things to me just because I’m different. Use some fucking common sense! If that’s asking too much because I actually expect people to have brains, then so be it. If that says I have a bad attitude, then I guess I have a bad attitude. I like my bad attitude. And how could you not know someone was ranting here? Hello? This is the rant board? Read what’s in front of you even if you do it with a screenreader or Braille display or whatever you use.
Yep yep, because an ego is condescending...
Thanks Vilet and Johndy!
Yes, dealing with the cards life hands you, or die. That does sound like
you're advocating suicide.
I'm personally sick of the fucking shit about the nondisabled being so fucking proud of us, or me. "How do you do that James!" they say. It's simple Bitches, I just get up, put on my prosthetic leg, get my shower, get dressed and go about my day like anyone else with my own tools that get things done. Not that difficult at all god damn it.
James
Oooo, James. Your writing is so espiring and awesome. How do you do it... I mean, being disabled and all. Hahahaha!
You can even get dressed all by yourself?
Damn, I can't even do that.
Couldn't have said it better than Alecia.
They just say the first thing that comes into their head. Either do or die people.